Too Short To Take Seriously
by Diloph
Summary: After uploading it to Tumbr, I've decided to upload it here. Technically part of the crossover canon, but works well as just an IZ fic on its own. After "Planet-Jackers", the titular characters have hit hard times. But when Nik finds an old flyer in a bar bathroom, he thinks he's hit on a perfect way to get revenge on Invader Zim. Problem is, it's not about revenge.
"Uuuuuuurgh. Six months."

"Be quiet."

"Six months' suspension."

"I said be _quiet."_

"I can't believe that we've been suspended for six months!"

"Be quiet, or I'll eat your head."

The familiar threat sent the pair of Planet-Jackers back to quietly nursing their drinks, staring ahead at nothing. They'd been in a lot of trouble back at the Planet-Jacker headquarters on Guarven, what with that little Irken jerk stealing back that planet and all. At first the bosses were on their side, called up their superiors and got them to send a complaint to the Irken Empire.

That was when the guys in charge of the sun re-kindling called them into the office again. Apparently the Irken called Zim was a big deal to the Irken Empire and as such, the headquarters couldn't prosecute him without violating the Irken-Planet-Jacker treaty. Given that their species had the Irkens and _only_ the Irkens as their allies because of their "problem", stirring up trouble was not something they wanted to do. Needless to say, the pair of Planet-Jackers that had met the pest weren't best pleased, even less so now that the blame for not finding more "kindling" for their sun was their fault.

"I don't know why they didn't just prosecute him, you know? I mean, what's so important about him? He was just an Invader, they got a million of them."

"Little Invader, big respect. Or fear." muttered the more brutish of the pair, the one called Oog-Ah. "I should have crushed him like ugly bug he is."

The thinner Planet-Jacker took another drink. His name was Nik, and despite being the senior-most of the two, was less competent than his partner. "Yeah, yeah, should've… I dunno, shot him in the head and put him in a woodchipper or somethin'." he suggested. His companion turned to look at him, eyebrows raised.

"You are violent, horrid little man. Why would you even say that?" he asked, from the sounds of it, slightly appalled at the other man's violent idea. Said genius shrugged.

"Forget it, forget it. You were the one doin' the beatin' up. I'm just thinkin' of the afters, you know?" he paused, swirling his drink thoughtfully. "Hey, do you know who might be able to prosecute for us? The Shadow Proclamation. They're intergalactic police, right? Maybe we could get them to go to Irk and drag that-"

"Towing inhabited planets illegal." the brutish Planet-Jacker interrupted, reminding his partner of the intergalactic law they'd broken for years now. "Towing inhabited planets over level 0 doubly illegal each level increase. Shadow Proclamation would arrest us at best. Shoot us at worse, especially if Judoon."

"Hey, hey, you're the one with the "Critters burn good" maxim, pal!" Nik said, imitating his companion's voice and creepy finger wiggle. The giant didn't appreciate this, growling and squeezing one fist together. The thin one immediately back-pedalled. "Hey, hey, it was a joke, lighten up!"

"The only joke is a bad one."

"Yeesh. Alright, I'm goin' to the john."

"Thanks for telling me." Oog-Ah grunted.

* * *

The thinnest of the two Planet-Jackers had hurried back from the bathrooms with barely contained glee, nudging his belligerent companion with one hand. "Hey, hey, you gotta see what I found!" Nik demanded. An irritated sigh indicated that Oog-Ah was getting tired of his partner's antics, which was probably not good for Nik.

"What?" the sandy-skinned Planet-Jacker rumbled. Nik thrust a dog-eared sheaf of paper at him, bouncing up and down in excitement. Oog-Ah turned his attention to the paper, (or rather, a poster), that his associate had handed him. It looked like wherever Nik had found it, the flyer had been left alone for a couple of months.

On it was a little picture of the Irken that had screwed the pair over, a series of instructions written in multiple languages; Irken, Cybertronian, the universal language, Guarvenese… the list went on and he couldn't read them all. Those he could read all said the same thing;

" _Wanted: Location and information pertaining to the Irken known as Zim (pictured). Contact frequency below to schedule information handover and negotiate payment at earliest possible convenience."_

"So what?" Oog-Ah rumbled.

"So what?" Nik repeated incredulously. "Lookit this, bounty hunter or a leg-breaker must've put it up or something! This is perfect! We just point 'em in the direction of the Irken and they can do the dirty work for us!"

"I am not that desperate for revenge. Too risky." Oog-Ah replied, turning back to his drink, letting the paper fall onto the bar-top.

"Eh? Whaddya mean?" asked Nik.

"Say they find him. Hurt him. Say they get caught. They squeal. They talk about us. We lose jobs or worse." the Planet-Jacker reasoned. "Too risky."

"Ah, come on!" urged the other down-on-his-luck alien. "We just call them up and say where we last saw him. He said he was an Invader, right? Well, that rock he took from us was only a level 5. He'll be long gone by now, onto greener pastures. We just tell whoever set this up the old info, bag whatever payment they're givin' to see us through this dry spell and bingo! We're set until we go back to work!"

Nik finished his pitch, nudging the other Planet-Jacker. "C'mon, finish that drink and let's do this!"

"No."

"Oh come _on_ , man."

"No. Is stupid, we will get caught."

"Yeesh, fine, forget you. I'll do it on my own." Nik grumbled, scooping up the paper and going to move away. Oog-Ah caught him by the arm before he could leave.

"Hold on. If you _are_ doing stupid plan, I will go. No sense in being caught without money." he sighed reluctantly.

"That's the spirit!"

"We will share cell. Keep each other company." the giant snickered, his chuckle like gravel. He pummelled one huge fist into the other. "I will get tired if not beating your face in."

Nik cringed. "Buddy? Not cool."

* * *

"What are you doing?"

"Callin' the number!" Nik protested. He had been about to hail the communicator frequency on his own personal device when Oog-Ah stopped him, pinching his brow in exasperation.

"Don't use _our_ communicators, tiny-brain! Use public one, will not be traced to us." the other Planet-Jacker snapped, pointing to a booth near the docking bay door. Just out of the way of the surveillance equipment, it'd be a good place to make an untraceable call from. The two made their way over, Nik took his place in the booth, Oog-Ah leaning in behind him to assist.

The pine-blue Planet-Jacker dialled the code, cutting out the video feed from their side, making sure that whoever was on the other side of the line couldn't see Nik and Oog-Ah, but the two could see them. Pretty good idea, if he didn't say so himself.

"Now we wait." Nik said.

There was a dialling tone, then a click. Whomever was on the opposite end of the line also had their one-way system enabled, meaning that both groups were treated to a black screen. Evidently they didn't want to take any chances either. A moment's silence lingered before the person on the other end of the line got impatient.

" _Yes? What is it?"_ they asked. It sounded like a woman, but Nik didn't want to assume. He had a bad experience with a particularly squeaky-voiced Sontaran on a helium planet once and didn't want to repeat the experience.

"Yeah, hi. We're callin' about the poster you… posted. 'bout an Irken called Zim?" Nik told the person. Whoever they were, they sounded surprised to hear that the pair of Planet-Jackers had discovered their flyer, like it'd been forgotten about.

" _Wait, you found the pos- hold on. MIMI! C'mere, take down some details already!"_ they said. There was a clattering in the background as "MIMI" took his or her or its (or various other personal pronouns) place. " _Go on."_ said the voice.

Oog-Ah leant forwards. "We have information on Irken Zim. Information is fresh."

" _How fresh?"_

"Like a week old." Nik interrupted. Oog-Ah stared at his accomplice in annoyance, meaning that he'd stepped on some part of a plan that the rougher Planet-Jacker had composed. Whoops.

" _Hmmm. Yes, well, I suppose it's useful. Alright, I'm interested."_

"Good. Designate point for negotiations of price and handover." Oog-Ah ordered. "We will be there within hour."

There was silence from the other end of the communicator for a moment. " _Very well. Do you know the Staxxi apartments? There's a little club nearby, with private booths. Go to the club and I'll send my associate to show you to the relevant one."_

"How will we know that it's your guy?" Nik asked.

" _Without giving too much away, I'd rather you tell me whom to look for. I have just specified the rendezvous and this is a mutual exchange after all."_

Nik and Oog-Ah exchanged looks. The big brute of an alien nodded, deciding that if they were going there in person, it was probably a risk they'd be taking anyway. Assuming they weren't an undercover cop or something. Then again, it didn't sound like a Judoon… but then again…

"There's two of us, look for a Guarven-registered barge on the pier near the club with two occupants. Send your guy to tap on the window and we'll follow them in. But no funny business, ya hear?"

" _I assure you, this is all a harmless information gathering exercise. One that could prove quite fruitful if your information is of use to me. But until then, gentlemen, farewell. You have one hour."_

The person on the other end of the line hung up. Oog-Ah ran a hand over his face, making sure his gloves didn't catch on the two straw-like tubes that fed into his mouth.

"We go and stake place out right now."

* * *

They'd found the club without issue, but they hadn't been able to spot anybody who might've looked like they'd put up the poster. No hulking bounty hunters, no skulking private-eyes…

"Nearly time." Oog-Ah rumbled. "See anybody?"

"Nah, ya got me. I got nuthin'." Nik sighed, sinking back in his seat. "Hey, you hear that?"

"What?"

"That."

Oog-Ah let out a great sigh. "Urgh, context, puny one. What do you hear?" he grumbled.

"'s a tappin' sound. Check the outside." Nik replied, wiggling his fingers. The pair glanced around the outside of their ship's cockpit. Eventually, Nik spotted a tiny metallic pincer-hand tapping on the glass. Leaning over, Nik saw a little robot smartly knocking on the toughened window.

"Hey, lookit that." he nudged Oog-Ah. "Are you the contact?" he asked. The robot stared at him through the glass, silently. Oog-Ah leant across their seats with an irritated growl and lowered the window.

"You are contact?" he asked, voice gravelly. The robot nodded and beckoned for them to follow it, pointing up towards the club. Neither of them were stupid enough to bring weapons (just in case it was a sting), but Oog-Ah's brute strength would be enough to see them through if things got ugly.

Exiting their craft, the Planet-Jackers locked their vessel and followed the robot into the club. The pounding of heavy music and the neon lighting illuminated dancers of all sorts of species, twisting and turning under the lights. People danced, drank, laughed, flirted and generally had a good time. It was the right sort of atmosphere that would lower somebody's guard, if they let it. (Un)fortunately, neither Nik nor Oog-Ah had the luxury of joining the patrons, escorted by the robot to the back of the club. A bouncer (a fellow Guarven native, if not a Planet-Jacker) barred their way to the booths.

"Do you guys have a reservation?" he asked. Soundlessly, the robot reached into a compartment in its head, extracting a pass, gesturing at the pair behind it. The bouncer squinted at the pass, handed it back and stood aside. "Alright then. Go through."

The robot led the two through a long corridor, booths on both sides. Some were occupied by partygoers, others indulging in the chance to enjoy a more quiet atmosphere. It was only when they reached the furthest booth, passing several that were already empty, that their guide stopped and gestured for them to go in, pushing the privacy curtains aside.

Nik and Oog-Ah could safely say that, while they didn't know what to expect, they were still surprised to be met with the sight that awaited them. The person who'd contacted them was, as Nik's first assumption had been, a woman. But it was the woman's _species_ that had caught them off-guard. Both Planet-Jackers stared into a pair of cool purple eyes that stood in contrast to pale green skin. A pair of long, black antennae that ended in a curled formation rose slightly as their prospective client took her boots from the table.

"Good evening gentlemen. Come in and sit down. I suggest you order something to drink, we may be at negotiations for a while."

"You're Irken." Nik observed. The woman smiled, but there was no warmth or malice behind the gesture. Only her mouth seemed to move, the rest of her head static.

"Yes, I am." she said. "Now, shall we get introductions out of the way?"

Oog-Ah pushed his way into the booth, taking his seat opposite the Irken. As much as the pair annoyed one another, Nik was secretly very glad to have a burly partner by his side at times like this, taking his seat beside the behemoth. The Irken might've been small, but there was something about her that seemed… _off._

"No. No names. Just business." Oog-Ah ordered. Again, the woman smiled.

"You're afraid that you might get caught for this, aren't you? Not something you should worry about, but I'll indulge you. You aren't going to get my name either, you do realise?"

"Don't care."

"Hm. For conversation's sake, let's try to avoid referencing names, save one. I think you can hazard a guess as to whom I'm referring to?" asked the woman.

"Yeah, yeah, what was his name… Zim?" Nik asked. The mask of calm that the Irken wore fractured for a moment, disgusted by the name.

"Yes, he's the one. I understand you have information on his whereabouts?" she asked. Oog-Ah folded his massive arms.

"We will work out payment first." he declared. Again, the little Irken's expression paused, her tongue clicking as she took in Oog-Ah's statement.

"No, I don't think that's going to work. You see, I need to grade the usefulness of your information- and I'm assuming you'll want an individual share to avoid squabbling over it- work out just what I can do with that before I can specify a suitable payment for you two. Perhaps we can agree upon a sum as a security deposit and work from there?"

Nik looked at Oog-Ah again. It seemed like a decent way to go about things, but Nik's partner didn't seem too swayed by the suggestion. Either he was pushing for a harder bargain than Nik had anticipated or he was being really stupid when he shook his great big head once again.

"No. Payment now, then you will receive information." the larger Planet-Jacker said. The Irken smiled again, this time a slight, mocking laugh accompanying the expression.

"I'm trying to be reasonable. If I had wanted that information by force, I could have cracked open that silly little thing you call a brain when you arrived. I can be _unreasonable,_ if you want." she sneered. Oog-Ah's hackles rose.

"I have crushed more than one _bug._ You are too _short_ to be taken seriously." he warned her. The Irken sighed, seemingly annoyed, resting her head on her palm.

"I can guarantee you, you've never met anybody _quite_ like myself. I'll be impartial-"

Oog-Ah rose, using his superior size to try to intimidate the Irken into giving him what he wanted. The Irken suddenly dropped her friendly pretence, glaring at the larger alien.

"Sit down." she told him icily. It was a thinly veiled threat, one that Oog-Ah didn't react well to. He leant forwards, opened one huge hand and-

Before Nik could react, the Irken had leapt from her seat and onto the table, at head-height with Oog-Ah. Her arm moved in a blur and Oog-Ah's entire body snapped backwards as he sank back into his seat, nose bloody and his eyes curling back in their sockets. It was over before it had even began.

"Whoa, easy lady, easy!" Nik said, standing to hold his arms up in a calming manner. There was a whir of metal from behind him as the Irken's robot moved in front of the door. Oog-Ah seemed to be in no condition to argue any more, fighting to stay awake. The Irken lowered her arm, glowering at the other Planet-Jacker, not even taxed by the brutal knockout.

" _He_ should have listened." she said simply, hopping back into her seat. " _I_ was being quite serious. However, for _your_ sake, I've decided to see if you can salvage this little transaction. So you had better impress me with what you have."

Nik, for once, was speechless. "U-um, you know, this was a mistake. We shouldn't have-"

The Irken woman kept staring at him, unblinking, scowling at him from across the table. "You aren't leaving until I get what I want." she said, voice terse and her eyes cold. "I suggest you get me interested in the information you have, and _quickly_."

Nik considered his options, realising that while Oog-Ah might be mad, he would at least be reasonable once he got told that his mind hadn't been plucked apart for information. Not to mention that they might actually still get paid for the whole ordeal, if she was willing to "salvage" the "transaction". Those were all positive-ish words, weren't they?

That in mind, he took a shaky breath and his seat once again. "Okay, just… calm down." he instructed, lowering his arms.

"I am calm." the Irken replied, face neutral. "I told you to order a drink. This may take a while."

"Er, I had somethin' to keep me goin' before I came in-"

The ice came back into their client's voice once again. " _Now."_ she hissed.

Nik jumped, his eyes hurriedly turning to the menu. Once he had chosen one, the robot that barred the door took his order and dashed off to get it. The Irken seemed to grow easy again, the same laid-back calm that she'd shown when they'd entered the booth, leaning back in her seat. Nik half-expected her to put her boots on the table once more.

"So, before we begin, how did you find the poster?" she asked, conversationally. Considering that his partner next to him was slowly slipping into a punch-drunk coma, "conversationally" was a word that Nik would have avoided.

"In a bar. Bathroom," he told her, "The Quasar."

The Irken tilted her head back, smiling in recognition. "Hah. First place I'd tried on this rock. I found out that the owner had a couple of debts he owed to some loan-sharks. I _persuaded_ them not to press the owner or anybody else ever again. In the end, he owed me a favour and I told him to get the word out. I'm quite glad to see that it pulled through, in the end."

"Yeah." squeaked Nik, scared out of his wits. The Irken took one look at him and sighed again, chuckling softly.

"There's no need to be afraid, provided you don't do anything stupid. Unlike your bully of a partner, you'll find that I'm quite agreeable when I wish to be." she advised. "Besides, you seem to be very reasonable."

"Er, yeah…" muttered Nik. The robot appeared again, handing Nik his drink. He'd already taken some before he noticed that something was off. A funny taste bit through the usually cold beverage. "Hey, woah, what did you do?! Did you poison me?!" he shrieked. Rolling her eyes, the Irken woman snorted dismissively.

"Poison? No, that'd be _stupid_. It's Skalosian truth serum, normally untraceable, except in your beverage. That tells you that I am not playing any games… and it tells _me_ that I should have gone with the harder-to-get Narciss serum. Huh." she told him, slightly disappointed that he had noticed. "I need to make sure you aren't lying to me, considering I'm not going to force your co-operation. I'm sure you understand."

Even if the serum was harmless, it tasted a helluva bad. Nik grimaced, then put his drink down and resumed the diplomacy. "You sure are strange, lady." he pointed out. Oog-Ah groaned softly beside him, reminding Nik that he should probably hurry things along. "So, er… shall we get started?"

"Yes, let's. Where did you see him?"

"Well, we were in this little backwater solar-system, going to haul off a planet to… you know, throw into Guarven's sun." Nik explained, biting his tongue when he realised he'd just admitted to repeated Class Alpha felonies. The Irken didn't blink (of course, being an Irken, she wouldn't exactly flinch at that), probably filing away the fact to use against them if need be.

"So, you're Planet-Jackers… how interesting. Go on."

"Yeah… so, we were towing away this planet, suddenly this little ship zips in front of us and opens comms. Turns out, it's that Zim guy. He starts talkin', making threats and tellin' us we were somehow violatin' the Treaty." Nik explained. "We sorta send him packin' with a manoeuvring thruster, but then he comes back to try to stop us by force. Oog-Ah goes out, beats him up, comes back. Then the Irke-… Zim did the same thing again, so Oog-Ah goes out, beats him up… and he leaves."

"Okay." the female Irken said, slowly raising one eyebrow.

"Anyways, we get back to Guarven, go to dump the planet and… we find out it's already gone. Half of our Jack-Dome has gone too. Sure enough, we go back and we see the little bastard towin' the planet back with half of our dome. We were gunna go after him, but we got a call-back from headquarters and had to go see them instead."

"So, do you think that Zim was on the planet that you were attempting to destroy?"

Nik shrugged. "I'd guess. It wasn't marked for Invasion or nuthin' though, that's why were were so angry about it. The bosses apparently called it in, but for some reason, the request got sent back and we got suspended because of it."

"Oh, so you're using me as a vector for vengeance?" the Irken surmised, eyes narrowing. "Very unwise."

Nik rushed to correct his mistake. "No, no, we just needed the money. We're suspended from work." the Planet-Jacker explained. It seemed to pacify the lady opposite him into a more agreeable mood once more.

"Good. It's not about revenge." the woman said succinctly. "I won't deny that I have something to gain from finding Zim, but rest assured, its a strictly impersonal affair."

"Don't sound like it. What, you his ex-girlfriend or somethin'?" Nik asked before he could stop himself, his mouth too smart for his own good. The Irken glared at him sourly once more.

"If you insinuate that I was, at any point in time, attracted to the little _worm_ , _they will never find your body_." she growled. Nik held up his hands in apology, shrinking back.

"Sorry, sorry. I just thought-"

"Thinking and you don't mix well." the Irken snapped. "Where was this planet?"

Nik did his best to remember the coordinates of the little backwater planet he'd been sent to retrieve that day, scribbling them out on a napkin. The Irken took one look at them, likely committing them to memory, tucking the offering into a pocket. "Anything else?" she demanded. "The name of the planet, perhaps?"

The Planet-Jacker racked his brain. "Uh, it was called… uh… Earth, yeah. Planet Earth." he replied.

The Irken made a face. ""Earth"?" she repeated, frowning. "What is it with naming planets after soil?"

"That's all I know, I swear." he bleated. The Irken smiled graciously, steepling her fingers.

"I know. You may have tasted the serum, but it still works. Your information holds up, so you've fulfilled your half of the bargain." she said. "Now for mine. Name your price."

"Er… uh… two… thousand… Astro-creds?" he suggested. The woman jutted out her lower jaw, thinking.

"That's… 29k… forty… converted into Shanix… Monies…" she muttered. "Each?"

Nik nodded. "Y-yeah, each of us."

"Not exactly steep." she pointed out. "But sure. Haggling over. Four thousand… urgh, "Astro-creds" is what I assume is going to see you through your unemployment spell, not to mention a little extra for yourselves."

Nik gulped nervously eyeing the door that was still blocked by the silent and imposing robot. "Ya got me." he laughed. "Are ya… just gonna give us the money or do you need an account or-"

"My SIR will attend to that. MIMI, you know what to do. Quickly now." the Irken said, craning her neck to see around his space-suit. The SIR unit nodded, then departed through the curtain once more. The Irken said no more at this point, quietly leaning back to stare at Oog-Ah, observing every twitch and groan he made with tight-lipped scorn. Nik, who was never any good at this sort of thing, fidgeted until the robot came back.

The SIR called MIMI held a thin chrome-silver briefcase, which from the sounds of it, was filled to the brim with the four thousand Astro-creds that he'd split with his partner. It placed the case on the table between them, the Irken standing up to march briskly towards the door. She seemed to have no desire to hang around.

"Gentlemen, your money is in the case. Do with it what you will." she tossed Nik the pass that the SIR had used to get them entry into the booth. "That's a night pass, paid for the next year or so. Consider it a bonus or an apology for your partner's concussion, I really don't care what one you choose. Use it whenever you feel the need to come here. I don't need it any more, I'm not staying on this world for very much longer. Pursuing the lead while it's hot and all that."

"Er, thanks, I guess."

"Oh, as for your friend… I recommend that he doesn't come looking for me." the Irken woman advised, pausing at the privacy curtains. "If I get interrupted when I'm trying to keep a low profile, or when I'm busy, by a muscled buffoon like him… well, he won't get up again."

Nik nodded silently, glancing at Oog-Ah, who had slipped away into unconsciousness entirely. The Irken followed his gaze and her voice turned hard one last time.

"And that's if my SIR unit gets to him first. She's a whole lot _nicer_ than I am."


End file.
